Conflicts are inevitable in life. Sometimes they arise because a person has poor boundaries or is a people pleaser, and finally, when he or she becomes exhausted from meeting everyone’s needs but their own, causing resentment and anger to surface. Having good boundaries is necessary to care for yourself. When you respect your personal boundaries, others typically will, too. Remember that “you teach people how to treat you.” Although creating boundaries in practice can be tricky because there’s a real worry of being fi red by clients or receiving negative feedback from colleagues, with clear communication, practice and preparation, it can be done successfully.
Understand that regardless of your boundaries, there is going to be pushback. If other people have benefi ted from you not having good boundaries, they are going to resist. Don’t view violations of your boundaries as setbacks; instead, consider these violations opportunities for you to communicate more clearly and improve your boundary-setting skills. Not everyone is going to fully understand your boundaries or even necessarily agree with them, and that’s OK; you have them in place for a reason, and you need to respect that for yourself.
TIPS FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES:
Know Your Values:
Understanding your values helps you figure out how to set boundaries and create systems that help you meet your needs. For instance, you may have several side passions that are important to you, such as your child’s sports team activities and competing with your horse. Because you want to make time for those passions, you may have strict boundaries around routinely working weekends or being available at all hours of the day.
Clearly Communicate Your Boundaries:
Lay out your limits very clearly. For instance, if you don’t want your colleagues and clients to contact you at all hours, verbally tell them the hours you will be available for work-related conversations in a matter-of-fact way. It is also important to determine what constitutes an emergency, and clearly communicate that as well.
Bring Up Boundary Violations:
When your boundaries are violated, it’s not uncommon to get upset, ruminate about the situation for days or weeks, and then bring it up much later, especially if, like many veterinarians, you are confl ict-avoidant. However, so much can transpire during that time that the person may not understand where you’re coming from. Instead, reinforce and exercise your boundary in the moment or very close to it, because if you don’t, it loses its power and authenticity.
Create Structure:
One way to create structure and establish or reinforce your boundaries is to commit them to writing. Th is will help you stay on point and increase the chance that you will consistently follow and stay committed to them.
Set Work-life Boundaries:
This allows you to replenish your mental, emotional, and spiritual reserves.
Prepare for Violations:
It’s helpful to visualize your boundaries getting crossed and then consider—and even practice—how you’re going to handle those situations. Th is way, when a moment like this comes up, you won’t be hijacked by your emotions. You’ll be able to handle it more rationally and refer to the protocol you already have in place. Building boundaries takes time and practice. Instead of viewing violations as taking a step back, see them as an opportunity to gain insight and improve your boundary-setting skills.
During times of conflict, experiencing emotional blackmail is common. By recognizing your role in rewarding manipulative behavior, you can develop strategies to defuse it. Emotional blackmail is defined as “a dysfunctional form of manipulation to place demands or make threats to get what is wanted.” Typically, this means the blackmailer sets up a comparison, inducing guilt or obligation, followed by a threat. In other words, “if you don’t do what I want, there will be a consequence!” Social media is a frequent arena for emotional blackmail, bullying, and abuse. It’s also important to know that emotional blackmail is not unique to veterinary medicine. It happens in families, intimate relationships, and friendships.
Understanding why people use emotional blackmail can help you respond. It is an attempt by the blackmailer to meet unmet needs, manage fear and maintain control. These needs could be love or acceptance (belonging), support (understanding, validation), security or safety (absence of fear), or certainty (control).
Fear, obligation and guilt are known as FOG. FOG is what emotional blackmailers rely on for successful manipulation. Receivers feel fear of consequences, an obligation to act, and guilty for not doing what they’ve been asked. Th e blackmailer quickly learns which parts of the FOG triad are most eff ective in manipulating an individual; they learn which emotional triggers work best. Emotional blackmailers are oft en very good at spotting the people who are likely to respond to them the best. Because people frequently give in to their demands, the blackmailer repeats the behavior because it works!
Why do we give in? Most people fi nd that some or all of these reasons resonate with them :
- Afraid of disappointing others
- Afraid of angering others
- Afraid others won’t like/love me or will leave me
- I owe it to them
- They’ve done so much for me I can’t say no
- It’s my duty
- I’ll feel guilty if I don’t give in
- I’ll feel selfish/unloving/greedy/mean
- I won’t be a good person
Compliance guarantees repetition! Th e receiver experiences relief when they comply—feelings of fear, obligation and guilt recede, so they are rewarded for complying. But this means the blackmailer will double down on this behavior.
Extinguishing emotional blackmail requires only one person—you! First, stop and ask for time to think about the demand. Observe the facts. Be curious about the unmet needs. Th ink about your options in responding. Then strategize. Become the neutral observer. What did the person really want? What needs aren’t being met? How was the request made? What does that tell you? What did the person do when you didn’t capitulate immediately? What are you thinking? Are you catastrophizing? What are you feeling?
It is important to stay open and calm. Don’t use language that escalates the situation. It may help if you try to enlist the person as an ally. Respond to their unmet, unspoken needs and approach from a place of empathy. Th is is di ffi cult! Use refl ective listening and open-ended questions and suggestions such as, “Tell me more,” “What additional suggestions do you have?” I wonder how we can make this situation more satisfactory? I wonder what would happen if you/we?”
However, if there is shouting or aggression, you need a diff erent strategy. With an aggressive blackmailer, you must have a calm voice—do not get triggered. Calmly indicate that the behavior is unacceptable and set clear limits while acknowledging that the other person is upset (“I can see you feel strongly”). Ask the person to leave if they are unable to have a calm conversation about their issue. Say, “I feel uncomfortable when you speak so loudly. Would you commit to discussing your concerns in a quieter voice in the conference room? Otherwise, I’ll need to ask you to leave.” Obviously, if you feel physically threatened, call the police right away.
Consider that resolving conflict is simply a way for two or more parties to find a peaceful solution to a disagreement among them. Th e disagreement may be personal, financial, political or emotional, but it arises from two parties having different needs or desires. Conflict arises from differences between two parties. Disagreements can be over values, motivations, perceptions, ideas, desires or behaviors.
However, a conflict is more complicated than just a disagreement. It is a situation in which one or both parties perceive a threat, whether the threat is real. When a conflict triggers strong feelings, a threat to a core need is often contributing to the problem. Th ese core needs are to feel safe and secure; to feel respected and valued, and to continue to have a strong relationship.
Conflicts continue to fester when ignored. Because conflicts involve perceived threats to our well-being and survival, they stay with us until we face and resolve them. We respond to conflicts based on our perceptions of the situation, not necessarily with an objective review of the facts. Our perceptions are influenced by our life experiences, culture, values and beliefs. Conflicts trigger strong emotions. If you aren’t comfortable with strong emotions or are unable to manage your own emotions in times of stress, you won’t be able to resolve conflict successfully.
Do you fear conflict or avoid it at all costs? Can you recognize the legitimacy of conflicting needs? Are you willing to examine the conflict in an environment of compassionate understanding? When you can, the result is creative problem-solving, team building and improved relationships. Successfully resolving conflict depends on your ability to manage stress quickly, control your emotions and behavior, pay attention to the feelings being expressed by others, and be aware and respectful of differences. Th e most important information exchanged during conflicts and arguments is often communicated nonverbally. Nonverbal communication is conveyed by emotionally driven facial expressions, posture, gestures, pace, tone and voice volume. Remember that if you insist on finding solutions that are strictly rational, your ability to face and resolve differences will be impaired. Emotional awareness helps you understand what is troubling other people, understand what is really troubling you, stay motivated until the conflict is resolved, communicate clearly and effectively, and influence others to the greatest extent. When a dispute arises, often the best course of action is negotiation to resolve the disagreement.
Negotiation is defined as a “process during which two or more parties attempt to resolve their diff ering interests.” Th ere are several characteristics common to all negotiations, whether they are between warring countries or between parents and child. They are:
- Negotiation occurs between two or more parties.
- The parties have a conflict of needs, desires, or interests that needs resolution.
- Parties negotiate by choice, voluntarily, because they feel they can gain a better outcome than by simply accepting what the opposing party is offering.
- Negotiations require both parties to move from their open position to reach an agreement.
The parties prefer to negotiate rather than fight, sever a relationship, have one dominate and the other capitulate or take their dispute to a higher authority for resolution. In addition, when there are no rules or laws to guide resolution, or when parties choose to bypass those rules, negotiations will often occur. Successful negotiation manages tangibles as well as intangibles.
Effective negotiation includes aiming for win-win bargaining, genuinely caring about others’ outcomes, valuing a future relationship and aiming for mutual gain. Focus on commonalities rather than differences, interests rather than positions, meeting the needs of all parties, open exchange of information between sides, and enlarging the “pie” through innovative ideas.
The best alternative to a negotiated agreement (BATNA) is a critical concept for all negotiators. Alternatives are important because they give negotiators the power to walk away from a deal that is not attractive. Knowing the best alternative to an agreement before entering a negotiation is critical to making good decisions. Because of their awareness of their true bottom line, negotiators with a fi rm understanding of their BATNA have power and confidence and generally are more successful in achieving their goals.
Margaret Neale, who teaches negotiation at Stanford, has important lessons about negotiation. She recommends that you think of negotiation as collaborative problem-solving. Th ere is no command-and-control structure; but instead, a negotiator offers proposals, and the counterpart accepts those that they feel are in their best interests to accept. Mistakes occur when negotiators are focused on winning rather than solving the problem, create a power struggle, and are not flexible in achieving their goals. She states that negotiators should focus on solving a problem, not winning a battle, and seek to understand the counterpart with empathy. Aft er creating a clear goal, she warns it is important to be flexible about how you achieve it.
All successful negotiations require careful preparation, including determination of the BATNA, defi ning the problem, building a relationship while identifying both parties’ needs and interests by gathering information, collaboratively generating alternative solutions, and selecting a solution aft er careful evaluation of the value created by the choices generated. Formally implementing the agreement is oft en the fi nal step.
Negotiation is unavoidable and takes place regularly during the ordinary events of our work and personal lives. Understanding our preferred negotiation style, being familiar with the process of eff ective negotiation, and knowing the best strategies for diff erent situations all can contribute to negotiation with more satisfying outcomes.
Even with good boundaries, practice in defusing emotional blackmail, and understanding the process of negotiation, conversations can still feel diffi cult! What is a diffi cult conversation? “Anything that someone does not want to talk about, such as asking for a raise or complaining to a neighbor about his barking dog. People are usually reluctant to open a diffi cult conversation out of fear of the consequences.” Or “Any conversation in which there are strong diff erences of opinion between two people and the potential for them to become emotional.”
So what should a difficult conversation be? “A planned discussion about an uncomfortable topic or a negative experience where the goal is to share different perspectives, build mutual understanding, and develop respect, not to persuade or win.” In other words, a negotiation. Remember, in a negotiation, knowing your BATNA before entering a negotiation is critical to making good decisions. In addition, it is critical to look for mutual gain, and understand the other person’s interests in relation to their positions. “Th is is how I see it. How do you see it?” Avoid making assumptions.
In some cases, physical examination and diagnostic imaging may be sufficient to clearly defi ne the diagnosis such as in the case of significant localized pain and swelling, where nerve blocks may not be required, allowing the veterinarian to proceed with appropriate therapy. Most often, suspensory branch issues will block to a low four-point palmar/plantar nerve block; however, occasionally some will respond to abaxial sesamoid blocks and intra-synovial fetlock anesthesia. Subtle suspensory ligament branch issues may require a combination of diagnostic anesthesia, radiography, ultrasound, and perhaps MRI to fully assess the extent of the injury to provide a better prognosis.
Before having a difficult conversation:
- Ask yourself what you really want. What is your desired outcome?
- Stop assuming the worst and acting in ways that confi rm your “story”
- Ask yourself what the other side of the story might be
- Ask yourself what role you might have played in the situation
Setting the stage for having a difficult conversation:
- Distill all the behaviors that illustrate the problem into a statement of the real issue, as you see it
- Invite the other party to a private safe space
- Think about the conversation as a negotiation
- Plan the negotiation
During the difficult conversation:
- Start with the facts
- Describe the gap
- Share your story
- Ask questions
- Listen with an open mind and open heart
- Listen for what is felt as well as said
- Make conflict resolution the priority rather than winning or “being right”
- Focus on the present
Concluding the difficult conversation:
- Brainstorm options
- Agree on a plan of resolution
- Ask if there are missing details or unresolved issues
- Stay flexible – if other issues come up, consciously decide whether and when to address them
- Agree to check back in
Other thoughts:
- Pick your battles
- Be willing to forgive
- Know when to let something go
READING LIST
- • “Bargaining for Advantage”, G. Richard Shell
- • “Boundaries”, Henry Cloud & John Townsend
- • “Crucial Conversations”, Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler
- • “Crucial Confrontations”, Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler
- • “Diffi cult Conversations”, Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen
- • “Emotional Blackmail”, Susan Forward
- • “Fierce Conversations”, Susan Scott
- • “Getting to Yes”, Roger Fisher, William Ury, Bruce Patton
- • “Never Split the Diff erence”, Chris Voss
- • “Radical Candor” Kim Scott
- • “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” Nedra Glover Tawwab
About the Author
Amy L. Grice, VMD, MBA
Dr. Grice was an ambulatory equine practitioner in the Hudson Valley of New York for over 25 years, serving as the managing partner of the thirteen-doctor equine referral hospital in Rhinebeck, NY. At the end of 2014, she retired from clinical practice to concentrate on veterinary business consulting, and moved her residence to Virginia City, MT. Dr. Grice received her BA in Biology from Wellesley College in Massachusetts and completed her veterinary education at the University of Pennsylvania’s School of Veterinary Medicine in 1990.
She earned her MBA with a concentration in Ethical Leadership from Marist College School of Management in 2014. Dr. Grice is a member of the American Association of Equine Practitioners, where she served on the Board of Directors from 2015-2018, and as treasurer from 2021-2023. She also serves as a member of the AVMA Economic Strategy Committee from 2018 – present. Dr. Grice is a frequent speaker at educational seminars for veterinarians across the country, as well as the founder of Decade One, which leads networking groups for equine veterinarians early in their careers. In addition, she consults with a diverse range of veterinary businesses and collaborates with industry partners to bring business education to veterinarians. Dr. Grice aids with transitions of ownership, strategic planning, financial projections, and other solutions for private practitioners.